Perspective editorial board vets student poll winner: the Cabbage

We polled LP on the 2016 election. You responded.

Although the phrase “This is an election like no other” gets tossed around a lot, this might be the year where the cliché winds up proving true.

The electoral face-off between tycoon Donald Trump and career politician Hillary Clinton has resulted in headlines even the Onion couldn’t come up with on their best day. Of course, the headlines the Onion cooks up in response to those headlines are even better, as will be those of The Daily Mash and the New York Times, so, take that, mainstream media!

As a result, the populace has become even more polarized—at least, according to commentary by guys in suits who talk on television and write lots of words making observations about this populace we’re all a part of. Are they right? Don’t waste time asking stupid questions–just give in and subscribe to their Twitter feeds.

Of course, there are a couple other candidates running. You know, that doctor who used to be in a folk band and the guy who loves all those foreign leaders. But they don’t count. We’re supposed to disregard them because they have no chance at winning, according to those previously mentioned pundits who pontificate on the populace. Or else we’re supposed to ignore them because that way the secret government keeps its stranglehold on democracy. Or else we’re supposed to not disregard them, vote for them, and then watch the country plunge into chaos while the real rulers of the world open up our heads and surgically graft UPC codes to our cerebral cortexes. It’s so hard to keep these conspiracy theories straight.

Still, the Perspective took the trouble to poll Lake Park on the election, wincing as we did so: If you could vote, whom would you vote for?

And as of deadline, Clinton was in the lead against Trump, 28 percent to 16 percent, with the third-party candidates bringing up the rear with a total of 14 percent.
The winner, however, at 40 percent of the tally, is a head of cabbage that’s been in the back of your refrigerator for a week.

Is the cabbage a viable candidate? That’s a very good question. To answer, let us reiterate that it’s a head of cabbage in the back of your refrigerator. There. That takes care of that.

The cabbage found its way into the poll the same way every politician does: soft money, oddly catchy slogans and time on its hands. It hasn’t been properly vetted yet, so there are a host of questions it will have to answer if we’re going to give it our stamp of approval.

Like, what is its citizenship status? Most cabbage is grown in the U.S. but some comes from overseas, so it will have to produce the receipt from the grocery store to put our nativist fears to rest.

Also, we don’t know if the cabbage has been a carrier of any food-borne illnesses. Listeria monocytogenes and Clostridium botulinum are no laughing matter, and Americans (particularly Americans convinced they’re going to catch the Zika virus from spraying Lemon Pledge on their furniture without ventilation) take these issues seriously.

Nor do we know if the cabbage is a spy, a celebrity, a libertarian, a contrarian, a vegetarian or any other kind of philosophy ending in –arian. We consulted a dictionary and found the term antidisestablishmentarian, and that sounds like something the cabbage could be, provided it comes clean about its record and provided we can figure out what, exactly, the word actually means.

There’s a lot and more we don’t know about the cabbage that Lake Park wants to see installed in the White House as the nation’s commander in chief. We don’t know any of this because we haven’t asked it, but mostly we don’t know because the cabbage ain’t talking. And because we don’t know what else we don’t know about the cabbage, we’re going to have to insist on a Town Hall Debate Forum so we can get a chance to vet this candidate for good.

The alternative is a serious, rational examination of the leading candidates we’re already familiar with. And seriously, at this point, who has the stomach for that?